dump page
I am now becoming increasingly aware how hard holidays can be, and probably will be, without my mom here. Halloween was one of her favorite holidays, and she usually went all out around this time of year, watching Halloween themed movies, decorating up the house, buying tons of candy - not necessarily to pass out, but to eat for herself. I could fill the noise with those movies, buy candy and replicate it all, but with only me, it feels wrong. I am not in the spirit for anything, which is sort of a huge bummer. I don't want to make this random entry super depressing or anything, this month has been perfect and I've enjoyed it, but the nearer we get to holidays, I struggle to keep the good times rolling. Everything is too quiet here, and it really sucks. I am constantly finding ways to fill the silence, but it's not really fixing anything, to be honest. I keep telling myself to just continue with my hobbies, call friends, do anything with my time that isn't just mindlessly scrolling, but it's unfortunately the best way to shut one's brain off completely. I should start going on walks again...
9.22.24
Guys, I seriously suck at writing poetry, and anytime I'm in an English course, I struggle the most during the poetry chapter. I keep thinking about the specifics on why I can't seem to just make poetry as easily as others, and I still have no real clue as to what is preventing me from just making something decent or acceptable. Analyzing and reading poetry comes easily enough for me, but when it's time to actually make my own, I completely blank! Even when I whip up something, it feels artificial, like I'm trying too hard or maybe not trying hard enough, I can't really decide. It kinda reminds me of that movie I watched awhile ago, "The Kindergarten Teacher", where Maggie Gyllenhaal plays a school teacher who, no matter how hard she tries, can't seem to make a good poem. I'm not going to steal a child's poetry and pass it off as mine like she did, but I seriously need to know why I just can't understand poetry in a better way, it bums me out.
I kept thinking that maybe my inability to conjure up a feeling through words is the real issue, but even when it comes to creating imagery poems, I struggle. I can describe something, but I can't help but feel like I'm just picking the words that others would find interesting, rather than just making something that is coming from within me. Maybe I care too much about making the poem "good", and thats why it inevitably ends up feeling manufactured, or maybe it's just because I really haven't written a lot for myself until just recently. I really love writing, but I'm always worried I'll only ever be good at informative writing, forever doomed to sound like an AI chatbot. The contents of the poem itself aren't exactly the biggest issue I have with poetry, because when it comes to rhythm and deciding how to frame a poem, I'm completely lost. When I read poems from renowned writers, I am constantly left wondering why they broke the line where they did, what's the purpose of it?
Maybe my poetry isn't even that bad, and I'm just being self-critical, but I am incredibly envious of my friends or anyone that can create poems, who can understand how to order them perfectly and create rhythms through line structure. Perhaps I just need to interact with poetry more, practice with different styles, learn from the Greats. I'm mainly fascinated with how even the shortest poems can evoke feelings and emotions just through picking the right words, and putting them in the right order. I just don't think I know how to do that, at least for now.
8.6.24
i've been spending a lot more time alone again, and it's been a huge learning experience for me. though i'm not fully alone 24/7, i do spend a good portion of my day by myself, and while it used to be somewhat unbearable for me, i've found a deep comfort in it as of late. i think it's only been recently that i came to terms with loneliness and the feeling of being alone so often, and understanding that a lot of life is spent by yourself. to be quite honest, i've always envisioned that i'd be alone for a long portion of my life someday, not in a super depressing way, but that i just don't think i'm great at socializing and putting myself out there. because of that, i always imagined i'd just have to get used to being alone and entertaining myself to keep myself from spiralling too much. i also think that after experiencing so much loss and pain this year in particular, being alone is probably the most comfort i will be able to find until i heal from all of it.
i used to think that it'd be terrifying, and i imagine that being fully and completely alone is terrifying, but i think i have gotten used to the amount of alone time i have with myself. i've always enjoyed reflecting and thinking and living in my head, daydreaming about anything or pacing around my house while i just think about anything, which is mostly what i have been doing. however, i've also tried my best to start doing other things alone that i typically don't do, like watching more movies, or writing more, or doing silly personal activities like building legos, and it's not half bad. a part of me is worried that these are merely just distractions for myself, that i'm avoiding the harder parts of loneliness and blocking out all the important stuff, but i also feel as if i owe it to myself to just live in fantasy for a moment longer. i go back to school in almost a week, and that is when i'll inevitably have to lock myself into responsibility mode, and spend my time studying rather than wasting my days away doing mundane tasks like someone's little sim character.
i think what i wanted to stress most about this entry is that i think being alone is almost always safer because there is no real room for rejection or loss, given that you can't exactly run away from yourself, at least for very long. eventually, everyone has to sit down with themselves at the end of the day, right before bed, and be left alone to do nothing but think. i used to think i'd be so miserable being alone that i'd beg anyone to stay with me, but i think i much prefer my own company now than anyone else's. i want to be the best friend i can be for myself so that loneliness doesn't feel so crushing, at least on a bad day. i imagine it's the childish part of me that refuses loneliness, that finds it so mortifying and terrible, but now that i'm finally getting older and growing up, it's getting easier to find alone time as a gift rather than a curse. how many more days alone will i have, anyway? it could be weeks, months, years, maybe the rest of my life depending on how long i get to be alive.
well, it's not like i spend all of my time alone! i still find time to hang out with friends, and i think being alone so much just makes those moments even more special and worthwile. i find myself feeling more grateful for the people i do have in my life, for the experiences i've had this year, for everyone that's spent time with me, no matter how short of a time it was. i hope to keep making more memories, not just with other people, but myself as well.
7.17.24
grief is a very weird feeling and i know the stereotypical thing to say to anyone experiencing it is that "grief is different for everyone", but my process has felt very out of order? i feel sometimes that my emotions are all mixed up and i sometimes confuse certain emotions to different situations when the real underlying cause is laying dormant under all the other, more superficial junk. when you are used to being around someone 24/7, practically attached at the hip, and then immediately being torn from that, the loneliness that follows is pretty hard to work through. right now, that's where i am at. spending most, if not all, of my days alone in my room, left to my own devices isn't a very enjoyable experience. the obvious answer here is to now work on going out more with my newfound freedom, but i find it harder in the summer, ironically. 100+ degree weather is pretty hard to find enjoyable! even if i do spend most of my time going outside, or doing anything, i am still doing it all alone. everything i try feels weird, uncomfortable, and sometimes i still find myself expecting something or someone to call me back home. having essentially full autonomy to do whatever i want is really freeing, but it is somehow more suffocating than when i wasn't allowed to be alone. i keep finding myself wanting to chase that suffocating feeling again, to trap myself into something so that i won't have to worry about all the freedom anymore, selfishly. i think what i am trying to say is that being alone with yourself when you aren't used to it, is really hard to endure sometimes. when i am not alone, it's great and i feel better, but a part of me knows i'm not learning how to be alone at the end of it. i cannot depend on everyone to stay with me like a kid! i need to grow up already!!! my mom didn't give me the best headstart on that, but what better time to learn than now? still miss her, though.
6.12.24
i want to bring this page back now! rambling but this time, i'll refrain from dumping all my personal emotions and struggles, saving that for my journal LOL! again, i'll use this like a twitter but less restrictive, more secluded and a lot more fun when there's no real way to tell anyone's read it or seen it. i wanted to talk about something i learned today, specifically about one of my favorite authors, qiu miaojin. i discovered that there was actually a documentary made about her, titled "love and death in montmartre", a reference to her last (unfinished) piece of work, "last words from montmartre". it was made by evans chan, and an early version of it was broadcast in hong kong, before it was developed into an hour long film and debuted at multiple film festivals, one of which being the san diego film festival. unfortunately to me, i can find zero way to watch this, and it's eating away at me bit by bit. i've wanted to know so much more about qiu miaojin, which is ironic because i imagine her books are perhaps the best way to find insight into who she was, but selfishly i want more and more. i've tried to look everywhere, but i assume it's best i don't go searching for a shady link or anything. it was only shown in festivals, though there was an online screening not too long ago. i wish i had known! i hope one day i can see it.