dump page
i'll try to keep this relatively short as to not overshare too much personal information on here but i feel a mix of paranoia and spite stirring within me and i have almost zero outlets. i feel like i'm always caught in this role of protecting other people or trying to save them from themselves, and as much as i try to separate myself from this, i feel nothing but immense guilt for it. i can barely get a hold on my own life, i feel like i've lost my mind somewhere in these past three years, but i still get the inkling that it's expected of me to enter the whirlwind of other people's lives and help them get a hold on it. i don't even feel much worry of posting this because i don't think anyone i know personally actually cares much to check this website LOl, which isn't me being bitter, i think i prefer this to space to be private and secluded. i rarely have those sorts of spaces anymore, but the unfortunate aspect of this is that i use these private outlets as a way to run away from my very dysfunctional reality. when i inevitably allow people i know into these private corners of my life, i feel more exposed than anything, and it's an embarrassing feeling. i don't want to be known by anyone, and yet, all i want to be is understood. i know my seclusion is merely a side effect of a possible personality disorder (stereotypical, i know) or some other issue, but i hate being seen because it leads me to assume the trains of thoughts of others, mostly in a negative way. if i post about being crazy, does this mean they'll always conclude i'm being crazy when i do something? if i overshare all the time, will they think less of me, find me overbearing and neurotic? i can't feel bad for my seclusive habits when it comes to the topics of friends because i feel as if everyone else partions themselves off from me all the time, typically due to the same reasons as well! when i run away and hide, people take major offense, which i don't think is unjustified. but i also still think no one really ever wants to understand, just scoff at me and assume some reason behind it. it all comes back to assumptions. if i blow off plans with someone, i'm nothing but a flaker and a shut in. i feel like i have to walk on egg shells around everyone. lately, i feel like i have no friends. it's not true, only a thought, but it haunts me day in and day out because i feel excluded and lost. most of it is my own doing, the hermit lifestyle and all, but it's moreso an effect rather than the cause. no one has to put me first, i'm my own person and they are theirs, but i can't help but feel the childish resentment coil around my heart! i feel out of place and out of touch with everyone i know. i've spent most of my life always having someone number one to me, someone i felt valued me as much as i valued them, and that everyone outside of that bubble came second, but now for the first time in awhile, i'm alone. this comes off as very emo and very middle school, but i think my feelings rooted themselves within that time of my life. i don't think i've ever felt this alone before, and it's quite draining. it only pushes me further in to hiding.
i know this entire thing reads as "woe is me" and even here, in my somewhat private and relatively anonymous place, i still think of my feelings and thoughts as childish, even embarrassing. if i downplay my feelings, maybe the reception they get from people makes them less scary to me, or something like that. i think i need to change my life around, for good this time, if i really want to start feeling remotely better. no more letting my feelings clog up my body and mind, i have to just learn to let everything go. unclench and relax! i start school again relatively soon, and this will be my test.
5.24.23
(DISCLAIMER: very venty and emotional. this is my diary because i don't have anyone else to tell) have not been on here in a good minute, mainly because i've been living the Sweet NEET Life of doing nothing but moping around, which i'll talk about here. i finally mustered up some courage to officially register for a college class, just one english course because i need to see if i can manage all of this or i'm really just eternally screwed. my aversion to social interaction lately is a mixture of irrational fears (like paranoid scenarios of harm befalling me) and this intense feeling of isolation or i guess detachment from socializing and people. i've talked about it before, but anxiety makes me feel so completely separated from other people, despite the fact so many people struggle with it, maybe even more than me. i know it's an internal monologue brought on by anxiety, but i feel judged when my friends or family raise their brow at the fact i struggle to do such easy tasks, like answering phone calls or even just going to the store. i thought i had finally cracked the code on social anxiety, outgrew it or got better with time, but i now realize my anxiety is an integral part of me, and it's something that won't just disappear the more i expose myself to the outside world. it will just continue to morph into another fear, another phobia and another thought loop for me to struggle with. it sounds so "doomer" of me, but i feel like no one really understands how debilitating it can be for me. it scares me to no end because i don't know when it ever got this bad. things i used to never struggle with are now almost impossible for me to imagine myself doing. i know it's very naive of me to assume no one will understand me and my anxieties, but my reality is that most of my family and even sometimes friends don't grasp the severity of it. my anxiety is no longer the contained fear of a presentation or a deadline, it's a deep-rooted fear of anything i can see as a threat. if i leave my house, will (insert scenario) happen to me today? recently, when i leave the house now, i fear an electrical fire will occur when no one is home, and no one will notice in time for anything to be prevented, leaving everything in it (especially my pets) to be destroyed. i stopped going to the gym because i, again, think of a million outcomes where everything goes wrong. while the fears come across as silly, irrational and probably childish, the fear they give me is not. i still have nocturnal panic attacks randomly because falling asleep is scary to me (related to a death anxiety). maybe it's a subconscious thing to allow me to not do the hard things.
really, i think all of this would be easier for me to handle if i had a support system. i feel like my internal monologue now sounds word for word like the interview scene in the Joker (2019), but less persecutory towards other people. i'm isolated because i do it to myself, but i can't shake the judgement no matter how hard i try. i feel so alien no matter what i do, and not really in the "i don't fit in with people" way, but in a way like i don't think anyone really understands me. i'm in that very immature line of thinking where you whine about no one caring about what you're going through, but the difference now is i know why they don't! it's very selfish to expect someone else to spend their time focusing on your plight, you're supposed to do that for yourself. i think i'd rather just wallow in it for now. along with this crippling fear of regrets and the unknown, it's the struggle of not wanting to actually make a change because you think it's already over. realistically, i know it's not, but i also cannot imagine myself pulling myself together right now. i'm only going back to school to give myself some form of responsibility, something to show others i'm trying. if it fails, i don't think i'll know what to do with myself anymore. i have to grow up!!
3.13.23
since this page has now turned into my embarrassingly personal journal, i'm allowing myself to ramble about my current struggles with anxiety. lately, i've found myself and my neurosis to be worse than it's ever been. when i was younger, i expected that i'd either outgrow it, but never thought it'd get worse. clearly, when people say ignoring a very obvious problem will cause the problem to bubble up out of control, they are not lying! i've started to develop nocturnal panic attacks, which are more of a pain than regular panic attacks when you're actually awake to process them. i will wake up out of an almost dead sleep right smack in the middle of a panic attack, which in my barely conscious brain will translate to me dying or experiencing a seizure. these are thankfully pretty rare for me, seeing as it's only happened now three times, but i think they are about to become more common as my stressors get worse. if i do experience one more, i'm preparing to seek some sort of help for them, even though it'll be hard just to even get a doctor to listen to me. i'll probably come across as a hysterical teen girl who has health anxiety like no other, which is true, but these are unfortunately very real! i'd be okay with them if they didn't make sleeping such a chore for me. luckily, i have deduced that the probability of these attacks only heighten when i'm depriving myself of a normal sleeping routine, so officially no more late nights for me from here on out! i'm thankful my anxiety has not reached a point to where it's practically debilitating, after scouring subreddits (unfortunately) dedicated to anxiety, i've seen how serious anxiety can become for people. i'm always worried i'll end up losing my mind, developing something more severe than this, but i think the reasons for my anxiety are easy to conquer, or rather easy to be worked on. if i got outside more, i'd probably feel better, but that in itself is sort of a challenge for me. it's much easier to live your life indoors! i hope i can look back on this entry at a much better point with my anxiety, and hopefully not worse than when i wrote this.
2.10.23
i noticed recently that i have been looking forward to summertime, which is highly unusual because the weather where i live during that time is incredibly unbearable. unfortunately, i think it's that childlike attachment to summer that associates it with freedom (ie. summer break) and having unlimited time to hang out with friends, but i'm 20 year's old and freedom is now my entire life. in my head, i'm fantasizing about calling friends up to schedule hangouts as if i'm still in middle school and i expect it to all go as planned, but this is not the case anymore :( i fear that this expectation i have of the upcoming summertime will lead me to spiral into a bout of isolation and sorrow because it will not be like all those summers when i was still in school, rather, it will be increasingly lonely. i planned on going back to college during the summer because it's the very least i can do at this point to give me a sense of responsibility and purpose, lest i sit and rot in my bed for the rest of my life. i don't want to let it get to me the way it has, but i can't stand to be left alone with this feeling of isolation. i think i just miss the dysfunctionality of a codependent friendship, the type where no one else in the world really matters but the two of you, and everyone else is sort of just an outsider. those never really end well, though... i wish i could be okay with being alone, but it always leaves me feeling sour towards the people around me, it turns me into a nastier person, really. i think i need to grow up already!
regardless of all that, i hope this summer leaves me a happier person, rather than a cranky old hag. i'm going to be nicer to myself, i'll do the hard things that i wish i could avoid, and i'll be sure to try a bunch of ice cream, whether i'm alone or not!
1.11.23
i feel like i should put a slight content warning for weight discussions with some (minor) mentionings of disordered eating on this little tirade of mine!
i was watching video compilations of the olympics because i'm having a slight phase when i came across videos of the women's weightlifting categories and i was completely blown away! i find myself in complete awe and envy of their strength, the ability to lift such mass amounts of weight for the times they can. however, these videos helped me to realize something about both myself and *joker voice* society! in the context of myself, i realized that my childhood dream of becoming your typical waif (sorry, i wanted to say it at least once) were seriously misplaced. by all means, there is really nothing wrong nor impossible about it for me, with enough perserverence i could accomplish it, but i seriously believe my genetics predispose me to easier weight gain than most. anyways, i realized that while it's possible to be skinny and fit, what i really wanted to be was strong. you can obviously be both lightweight and strong, but recomposing my body is a much more attainable alternative for me that does not also require me to go to such intense lengths. i probably sound really weak, but i've experienced a lifetime full of yo-yo dieting, inevitably leading me to feel worse about myself due to my failures, and it's helped me to realize just how ridiculous a lot of my worries are. i stopped wanting to lose weight to be attractive in the eyes of others, but for my personal health because i truly don't find a life being pretty and miserable better than being average or even ugly! to each their own, i suppose.
this personally shocks me the most about people, when they find the appearance of others so appalling they feel the need to express it in such detail. in the context of those with eating disorders, it makes much more sense to me as to why. not condoning these actions, but it's much more explainable to me for those who struggle with body image to harbor these thoughts than someone who has such vitriol towards heavier people for virtually no reason. self-proclaimed "fatphobes" are truly an enigma to me because i personally don't think the looks of another is something that can be so personal to me. morality aside, most hide behind the excuse that it's out of concern, concern for the impressionable children, concern for their future health, concern for their lifestyle, but i don't believe those excuses (most of the time). apparently humans are naturally superficial, but the extent to which some are willing to go to express their undying hatred for fat people is strange. it's mainly towards women specifically. at the least, fat men are able to be considered great comedians, great leaders, the list goes on and you know the rest of that story, but most heavier women i see in the media who attempt comedy or performing are met with such nastiness from everyone, not just men, because no one is willing to look past their physicality! i know that some will chalk up their hatred to nothing more than disdain at gluttonous behavior, but i just don't believe it. rather, i don't understand it because how could someone else's life interfere with yours to the point you despise them for simply existing? i'm not saying you have to consider people you don't find attractive the epitome of beauty, but some find it hard just to show other human beings decent humanity.
something else that bothers me is the assumption people who are overweight or even obese don't know the effects it can have on their health, or even that they haven't tried to do something before. obviously, this doesn't exactly apply to cases of childhood obesity and what have you, but teenagers and older definitely understand their situation. i find weight loss much more reasonable for health purposes, but most who claim that don't actually believe it. if their unhealthiness wasn't able to be seen on the outside, it wouldn't be treated in such a way. some people genuinely just want someone or something to hate, but why not be honest about it? also, you critiquing someone else's body and weight will almost never have the effect you think it will... unless you are a doctor. you are not contributing to this person's drive to lose the weight, in reality you're probably pushing them further into harmful habits. should we make a mockery of all those who struggle with anything unhealthy to inspire them to change for the better?
moreover, something i have noticed in my life is that hatred from men is less valuable to me than hatred from other women. if a man calls me ugly, considers me disgusting, i find it has no lasting effect on me, but if a woman were to treat me the same, it'd possibly haunt me for years to come. their hatred is scarier to me despite it not being as evil as a man's. this is why i find it much more depressing when other women mock and joke about other women's weight, their weight gains or losses, you have tied your self worth to your body and when it inevitably starts to change, you will be in distress. the women in these weightlifting competitions are powerhouses, they have massive arms and thighs with no visible ab-lines, everything most women are taught to fear. that's why i really envy them, their ability to turn their bodies into something useful. i want to push my body in the same way, i think it's much more worthy for me than a life of constantly fearing what others assume of me and my body.
12.31.22
i feel like i have to lose a lot in my life before i am capable of accomplishing anything. i have to see myself at my worst, i need my skills dulled, i must be completely at rock bottom before i am able to push myself to do the things i've always wanted to do. i slacken up on the tight rope i've tied myself to and allow myself to get lazier, get sloppier and less inspired until i realize just how poor my situation has become and come to the realization that i need to do something before it's too late. for example, since it's the holidays i've felt myself get less restrictive when it comes to dieting and my eating habits. the only issue with that is i've always had a problem with binge-eating and preventing myself from going too far with it, but i realize now that i'm slowly allowing myself down that degenerative path of unhealthy habits so that i can find that burst of motivation i started this entire thing with.
i've struggled with my weight my entire life, though it really reached a breaking point for me during the pandemic lockdowns. i weighed 60 lbs over the recommended weight for my height, and prior to reaching that weight i never could abide by any diet plans or exercise routines no matter how hard i despised my body image. i'm much healthier now with only 15 lbs left to lose, but i'm not where i should be, and now i feel that inkling in my head trying to get me to spoil all my hard work and efforts.
maybe i find that it's easier to do something when i have nothing left to lose, but it's tedious work having to monitor myself this much. i truthfully think i just need to learn how to suck my feelings up and do the hard work no matter how irksome it can be because the payoff is much more valuable that way, but it seems my biological makeup is actively against me!
i find that i also do this with my hobbies, especially pertaining to creating art. i take prolonged breaks not because i'm burnt out, but because i crave that intense drive that comes from running myself dry like a well. i really need to learn how to function normally...
12.29.22
another embarrassing speech incoming, but i'm allowed to be cringe because it's my website and i rule this kingdom. anywho, who's up trying to cope with the fact your life is incredibly isolating? i don't mean this in the "my friends all hate me" kinda way, but in the emo "i feel like no one understands me" kinda way. it's hard to explain but i feel like, as cringe as i may sound here, being a lesbian is a seriously isolating experience. i have no friends who are also a lesbian which leads me to have almost no one to relate to. i'm a firm believer in being friends with people who are different than you, obviously i don't want to be in my own echo chamber, but it can sometimes feel like i'm an alien in comparison to everyone around me. i feel like hearing everyone else's experiences with boyfriends, with guy troubles, with all of it makes me even more confused because most women my age put up with some really creepy guys. my own sister has an incredibly insufferable boyfriend who treats her horribly, but my family thinks i'm delusional for thinking it's worrisome. what's worse is watching a girl lose her sense of self with a guy, i feel like i watch women i know turn into entirely different people when they're dating someone. this experience has really led me to become embittered... i think it's less that i want other lesbian friends, but rather friends who don't center men in their lives. i used to have a really good internet friend from new york who was a lesbian as well and that meant a lot to me at the wee age of 14 when i was just barely figuring out who i was and the unfortunate consequences (my mom stealing my phone and finding out i had a girlfriend in middle school.. was kind of traumatic for other reasons). i don't talk to her anymore, not for any serious reason, but i could always reach out to her one day, i think i should. most lesbians lament over the small dating pool, but if i'm being honest, i've become so embittered as of late that i personally don't think i want anyone in my life romantically. in my typical cringe fashion, i feel like i've become a misanthrope. i really do just want friends, but most people rub me the entirely wrong way. i feel like so many people nowadays can be so hypocritical, or so trapped in their own echo chamber-y bubble that they can't see outside of it, or just completely judgemental... i wish i could just join a book club, or maybe a convent. jk. i truly wish i could have friendships with older women, but i don't think they'll have much in common with me, le average joe. i should just go back to school and befriend all the female english teachers like i'm in highschool again. i think i need to just learn a foreign language or something... it's highly possible i'm just a stuck up snob who can't see outside her own head, but that's what makes me feel like an alien on another planet!!!
11.15.22
working on a jojo's bizarre adventure shrine and it's reigniting the love i have for the series :)) listening to the op's still somehow makes me tear up, probably since it's all nostalgic since it's been awhile since i finished some of the earlier seasons. i am still so excited for how the end of stone ocean will look once it's finally released (i still wish it had been weekly releases :( ) and it'll push me to catch back up manga-wise. i still haven't finished part 7 OOPSIESSSS!! i hope they bring back coda for some more openings because any op he's involved with is literally a masterpiece and beautiful....
11.9.22
MAJOR VENT INCOMING!! just the ramblings of a very sad and lonely girl... extremely cringe and deprecating and angsty so feel free to ignore!
being serious though, i am extremely inconsolable tonight. this whole month has been very rough but this week i believe is the worst i've felt in a very long time. i feel like a 30 year old spinster who's doomed to live a life of loneliness and can only feel comfort through animals or fantasy. my mother's been crueler to me lately, but i can never push myself to blame her because i love her too much. even when i'm in the company of a close friend, it's like a brief high before i crash as soon as i'm alone, which seems pretty normal to me, but the feelings brought to me tonight are so painful and real. i cried extremely hard in the bathroom only minutes ago and it didn't make me feel any better. i've struggled to ever find books or movies that could come close to showing the crippling loneliness i feel sometimes, something that could make me feel like i'm not just alone in my loneliness!! but i'm not truly alone, i know this, i have a few friends, but i can never actually feel their connections. it's as if i'm the only person who's connected but in my head, they're already connected to something else, but i know this is completely irrational. still, i can't get rid of the nauseating feeling of abandonment and being alone because it makes me sad.. i know people say to learn to enjoy your own company, to become your own friend, and i've tried but can being your own friend really replace the company of another human being? i started crying because i could not stop thinking about being a kid and playing pretend in my room, away from my entire family, just talking to myself and only myself because it was all i really ever wanted to do. to this day i still talk to myself, i've found a friend in me but lately the glamour is wearing off and i can't see it as anything other than depressing. if i could make an imaginary friend, i probably would. thinking more about it just makes me worse because i know the reality of my future, i know i'm not going to live out the fantasies in my head because they're all childish. i have no problems with aging or getting older physically, but lately i cannot help but cry thinking about how love and happiness and friendships and even familial bonds are so weak and harder to come by when you get older. it's harder, it's rarer and it's never the same as just meeting someone on a playground and having fun for just that one day. the glamour of my life has worn off and i just feel bitter resentment over anyone and everyone around me who doesn't understand it, who probably never will. i used to think maybe i had a personality disorder, one that made it harder for me to feel connections and feel loved, but i gave up on psychoanalyzing myself because i don't think i'll ever be able to get therapy. i just want to keep crying because i don't want to die, i want to live, but i don't want to do it alone. i can't bear to do it alone anymore. it's so ridiculous and most likely illogical to assume but i don't think i'm ever going to find that connection, at least not anytime soon. i try so hard to not live in the past, to be in the present and be mindful and let my desires go but it's never that easy, it's always there. some people are capable of detaching themselves from their worldly possessions, who are able to be okay with being their own company, and i want to achieve that one day. i want to go back to school but i can only think about how lonely that experience can be as well, the last time i was enrolled, it was like no one was capable of actually talking. group discussions were completely silent, and when i would try to initiate conversation, i'd be met with nothing but radio silence?? i feel like post-COVID plus the increase in social media usage has made everyone just incapable of bonding, or maybe it's all in my head and i have the perspective of a grizzled boomer. i think typing all of this up has released some of the pressure in my head, it's my bedtime now so i think i'll try and sleep off these bad thoughts and pray that tomorrow is nicer to me.
9.29.22
okay i OFFICIALLY am finally getting ready to say goodbye to my macbook... i have had this relic since 2015 and it's been a journey. i constantly talk to my friends about how this thing is not good for much, and it's truly not, but i still cherish the memories or whatevsies... i couldn't play a browser game without it sounding like an airplane preparing for takeoff and sometimes the keyboard would heat up so bad that it would burn my fingers. and in the last few months, it's finally starting to puff smoke and wheeze and cough due to it's ripe old age of 7 years, and it honestly runs just about the same as it did when it was newer. which i don't think is a good thing. i'm still glad i had a laptop in general, it did it's job and that's what mattered in the end... well, time to chuck it out in the dump and dust my hands off! i'm finally coming back to windows baby... it's like coming home from the war.
9.26.22
biting the bullet and leaving behind most of my social accounts, i think it's finally time. i know i mentioned in one of my other entries somewhere that i was swearing off that stuff for good and that i did not want to make the internet the center of my life, but that only lasted so long before i noticed i was back to tweeting and scrolling. soon my daily screen time went from an average of 1-2 hours, to 3-4, and i do genuinely believe this negatively impacts me. the more i spent my time on the subreddits surrounding "no-surfing" or looking into dumbphones, i realized that i had absolutely no purpose for social media anymore. i started obsessively checking trending tabs, catching glimpses of sensationalized headlines and realized it was only causing me to get anxious over anything slightly negative i saw. i was not using the internet/technology as a tool, but like a hobby or a lifestyle, but i really want to change that now. i hope it is for good. i find my website more akin to talking to myself, which i do frequently, so i don't think it's harmful for me to keep my site. besides, coding is an actual hobby for me now, and i think i find spending hours on this more rewarding than if i was just sitting and scrolling on some other app.
incoming tangent about technology, i really miss older tech. i know it's just nostalgia clouding the brain, but i cannot stand technology the more modern it is. i miss physical home buttons, flip phones, mp3 players, and i hate that most phones don't even include standard headphone jacks anymore. it's so sad when a company discontinues their older products because i am right here willing to buy them again! i want an ipod shuffle and i want my old samsung s7 back!! i ordered myself a new mp3 player since my older one self destructed on me (it was very cheap), though i was seconds away from buying an ipod touch. i wish i could ditch my phone for something older, or even a dumbphone, but now that most carriers don't even support/sell anything older than 2017, it's hard.
9.24.22
i am currently sick and it sucks so bad. i just got over a sinus infection only to get hit once again with another one? i think it's mainly due to allergies though i don't exactly understand why it's flaring up so badly for me. i can't go get it checked or anything because i have no doctor currently so if this happens again, i'm not sure what i should do. at least my asthma has not been a problem whatsoever despite my throat being sore, i don't think i've had to use my inhaler for almost a year now?? but i always experience really bad flareups in the winter time, so i would not be surprised if this winter is the same.
9.18.22
i finally discovered how to add music SO HAPPY!!! i think i can finally add a winamp thingy to the site so i'm excited, but one of the biggest things on my to-do list for the website is fix my navigation bar. it's a little wonky the more i add stuff and rather than rip my hair out trying to fix it, i'll just change it completely :P i want a nav bar that floats on the side or maybe add a box on the side ?? idk, it 's hard to add containers next to something because no matter what i do it ends up breaking the whole site. my coding skills are not as advanced as my vision. also i want to clean up the writing hub layout... i know i said i was going to work on shrines but i'd rather make sure the rest of the site is cleaner/more complete till i start on those. also my music box page will be my absolute favorite page of this site, i have great things imagined for that page >:)
9.16.22
i love looking at other people's websites so much it's so cool to see what can be done with just html and whatnot. i still don't know a lot about website making but i am so in awe of some of the sites i come across on here! even websites that people consider simplistic i find so cool... i am so happy i decided to make something with neocities. even things like embedding music to your page i find amazing, because i still don't know how to do it. i'm still shocked people even check into my website :0 i don't even care that i'm being cringe about it, i seriously think coding in general is so awesome... it also makes me miss being like 10 years old on roleplaying forums and just that older version of the internet that i narrowly missed, before the huge rise in sites like twitter and other social media platforms :P i hope forums make a serious comeback one day, i miss it.
incoming tangent, i don't know if anyone remembers the website dragoart, it was just a website that hosted random art tutorials mostly targeted towards kids, but they used to have a chat room for some reason that you could roleplay in?? that time of my life is so hazy because i was literally around the age of 10 but i remember climbing the ranks in that chatroom and i even got access to one of the secret "literate" rooms that required a test of your literacy, and a password. nothing bad happened (least i don't remember LOL) but i just think it's funny to remember because why did this website have a chatroom for roleplaying?? i know the last time i checked the site, they still uploaded tutorials but the chat was defunct and now it's completely removed. i wonder if i had any friends in that chat, and if the moderators who gave me access to the "literate" chat room know i was like, 10, with people over the age of 16. anyways, i just miss things like chatrooms and forums, and i know we have things like discord or reddit, but i think the current state of the internet is so different that it's just not the same. or i'm just clouded by nostalgia and things were just about the same as they are now except i'm older.
9.15.22
iceberg videos centered around dark/disgusting fictional media is so funny because more often than not the list consists of nothing but stories containing graphic depictions of violence (mostly against women) or rehashed dystopian stories about survival that try too hard to be philosophical and existential. i came onto a disturbing book iceberg video to look for some new books to read and the only thing i found worth my time was the scum manifesto written by the woman who shot andy warhol LOL. to each their own and yadda yadda but some end of the world dystopian esque stories are so nauseating to me in a bad way, like a "this totally has never been done before" way. a nuclear war wiped out most of humanity and life sucks and humans don't deserve to live and blah blah this sucks can you guys eat each other already or something for the sake of mankind or whatever. i don't enjoy being a hater ever because i like some pretty lame things but i can't take a lot of these stories seriously because they all feel the exact same!! i think it's mainly the large demographic of male authors who are obsessed with the survival of the fittest trope, or the wish to be a hero in these post-apocalyptic settings or something like that. i can't relate to that, i remember seeing somewhere that most women, when asked what they would do if they were the last woman on earth, would just off themselves. also, i think the problem i have with these stories that claim to be the most disturbed or depraved is that they're boring/mediocre since the only thing in them is tragedy. like the concept of yin and yang, too much tragedy makes the story redundant, just like having too much positivity. balance and whatnot... at least have some sort of resolve, some sort of passion or drive for the main character that isn't just a primal urge to survive. i think i'm just a bigger fan of horror when it's psychological or weird. i'll admit though that i can still find something of value to these stories because at the end of the day, at least they're writing something they (might) enjoy, and other people out there find these takes on human suffering or willpower interesting. i still hate most dystopian tropes though. anyways i might genuinely give the scum manifesto a read because reading up on valerie solanas was crazy... good for her! (jk)
9.3.22
popping back on here for a little ramble because i can't sleep tonight.. i'm not exactly feminine in the slightest, i grew up being told quite frequently that i did not look like how other little girls should look, but i've recently been using my (very flimsy) newfound confidence to slowly push myself to embrace my femininity. i can be a pretty girl! just doing my nails makes me happy, and i know that seems so goofy because it's just coloring your nails, but i was always too scared to ever try being feminine because i felt like people would think of me as even more ugly, so i'd constantly tell myself there was no point in trying and that i'd be better off dressing myself up as basic and plain as i could possibly be. i was really young at the time, so now that i'm older i'm glad i can finally start trying all the things i was too scared to ever try. it makes me sort of sad to reflect on how i used to think as a kid due to the sort of comments i'd receive from my family, i was just a kid! it totally wrecked my self-esteem, and even today i'm trying to unlearn all the damage that was done and push myself out of that black hole of self-hatred. anyways, i just wanted to ramble about how small things like nail polish can make a girl who never allowed herself to be feminine really happy :)
9.3.22
need to start working on the saw shrine (aka the amanda shrine), but i don't want it to have the same layout as my entire site... i'm gonna try and get inspiration for it, maybe it will just be a collage of mandy and that's it
8.31.22
currently reading "the fingersmith", which director park chan-wook adapted into the film "the handmaiden", and i'm having a blast. it's like watching the movie as if it was my first time seeing it, i honestly think i might like the book a bit more. it's quite long though, i want to try and take my time with it. maybe i'll jot down notes when i finish chapters or sections to keep my thoughts in order.