Had a very awesome day yesterday with my friends, I'm so happy! Firstly, my good friend just came back from his trip to Mexico, and he brought back plenty of goodies for me, which I was super stoked about. He decided to bring back a bunch of currency and the designs on some of the pesos are so cool... apparently, one of the bills was recently made and it's not circulating very well because everyone is finding them and holding onto them (for collection? something like that..) so it's cool that I now have one too! I think my mom would be incredibly jealous, she loved collecting money, like 2 dollar bills she would find and hold onto in hopes that one day, they'd somehow make us a fortune.
After our reuniting, our friend group had tickets to go see Coraline in theaters for the 15th anniversary, and the whole experience was truly amazing. It's been ages since I've seen a 3D movie, so long in fact that I have no idea what movie I watched in 3D as a kid. I've seen Coraline before, but it was really nice to be able to experience it in a movie theater rather than at home. I was sort of worried that the 3D would give me a headache, or make me dizzy, since it happens to people pretty often, but I actually found it pleasant! Unfortunately for my friends, their experience was a little ruined. Since our theater was almost full, it was expected that someone would be talking or making noise during the movie, which doesn't typically bother me, but apparently my friends were right next to two girls who mimicked every single quote from the movie the entire time, which irked them. I didn't hear it! I knew picking the seat next to the aisle was a good choice... despite all that, we had fun, and at the end of the movie, there was a little behind the scenes(?) featurette for the anniversary which was fascinating, learning more about stop motion and how tools for stop motion have improved greatly since the making of this movie. A line that stuck with me during this was one of the crew members reflecting on studios now being able to use the computer to generate effects for stop motion, but clarifying that it doesn't somehow make stop motion some simple, quick task. In reality, she stated that it wouldn't push them to get lazier or cut corners, but inspire them to go bigger with their animation knowing they have time to focus on other things versus smaller details within the animation process, which I really found interesting.
After that, I spent the remainder of my day with my friends, and it felt like such a breath of fresh air. Somehow, summer felt like a failure, but the end of the year seems so hopeful and full of possibilities? It feels like doors have been closed, and other doors are opening, or perhaps reopening as well. I feel motivated to actually do things again, things that I enjoy!! Sometimes I wonder if I just suffer from summer seasonal depression or something...
8.12.24
Going to try and sneak in a quick little entry on here before I have to inevitably leave for my dentist appointment. I HATE THE DENTIST! I'm getting fillings done for two cavities, which makes things even worse for my anxiety. I've had fillings done before, but the process takes so agonizingly long, and my jaw aches everytime from being held open for so long. What I hate most is the needle for the local anaesthetic, and more often than not I always require two shots for the numbing to fully take effect. What makes this one exceptionally worse is that I won't have my mom for moral support, and while I've been to the dentist already without her, I cannot help but feel just a little more anxious than usual. I know rationally there really isn't much to be afraid of, fillings are probably the least worrisome dental procedure out there, but I just hate anything involving drills and potential chances for pain. The pressure is always unnerving, the sound of the drill vibrating your entire head and filling up your ears. There's no point, but I always bring headphones in the hopes that music can help drown some of the noise out. It never works, and I need to be able to hear the assistants in case I need to open my jaw wider or turn my head a certain way. I'm sure they'll be able to smell the fear on me, but I wish there was just a way I could ignore my cavities, wish them away. I already postponed this appointment, so there really is no weaseling my way out this time. I'd rather it just be fillings rather than a root canal, I guess. God, I really hope it goes by fast.
In less terrifying but still anxiety-inducing news, I've officially started college again this week. Fall semester time! Sadly, I'm only enrolled for one class, that being creative writing, because my other classes were either taken or off campus, out of town, which is incredibly aggravating for me. I'll have to make another counselor appointment, which is even more annoying because my friends have told me that you basically have to seek out multiple counselor appointments because none of the counselors are ever on the same page as to what your best education plan should look like. It feels they all have different ideas for what they want you to enroll for, and I'm worried I'm gonna end up taking classes that won't benefit me whatsoever. I'm still excited to take a creative writing class, it's something I've really wanted to try out and improve for myself, especially since I think I suck at creative writing. It's online though, so there goes my hopes of getting out of the house! I'm gonna keep scavenging for any open spots in the courses I couldn't snag for myself...
6.12.24
i want to start off this entry by discussing the horrific event i just experienced this morning before writing this. i was just finishing up with brushing my teeth when the biggest, and i don't say this lightly, biggest wolf spider i have ever seen in my life crawled up from my sink drain and was just trying to swim it's way out. i don't think i've ever screamed that loud and looking back i think i may have overreacted a smidgen but i have an aversion to bugs, especially large ones, and it does make me sad that i cannot accept them or move past my fears with them because i do understand when people who do enjoy bugs find it strange or immoral when people have such aggression towards insects. i do find empathy in my heart for bugs and i try my best to just avoid them and go about my day, but i unfortunately could not let that guy sit in my sink or in my bathroom. i wish i had just found a way to capture it and let it go, but the fear of failing and letting it land on me or drop it scared me to my bones so i just flushed him.... i am so sorry. i can now only imagine that when i am asleep, there is always a chance there is a giant spider lingering around my room.
i got rid of twitter again, i think i always have these phases where i cannot stand to use it anymore and everything bothers me and annoys me or scares me, and i think it's a waste of my time anyhow. i think i'll miss posting art the most, but i realize that that line of thinking is never good for me as an artist personally because it entices me to only draw in hopes people will see it. i don't want to draw for anyone else but myself, i need to draw for myself so that it can be something only for me, something i can be proud of and experience with myself in hopes to better love myself. i also just want to get better, and constantly comparing myself or seeing numbers is really detrimental to that whole process.
i also think, no promises, that i'm going to start writing reviews on here again. i have said this repeatedly and never gone through with it, but i think this time, i mean it! anxiety has plagued me this week, though i don't think i should go into any detail into that. i invested my time into a journal, and i believe it's much more productive and healthy to talk about the deeper or more intimate parts of myself in a place where no one else but me can see it, ever. i love my blog, and i love rambling on here, but i shouldn't use this as a way to vent out my emotions. it gives myself an audience, imagined or not, that i feel i have to entertain somehow, and there's no way to be vulnerable with that information.
one thing i want to work on this summer is just being alone, practicing it and understanding why it's so uncomfortable and why i find it so terrifying. i want to be a better friend to myself, i want to be kinder to myself, and i hope i can accomplish that this time around. after suffering so much loss this year, i think the best thing i can do is just give myself a chance to breathe and reset. i will make it out of this alive, perhaps not fully unscathed, but alive nonetheless. that is all i can ever hope for!
i have been trying my best to find a way to enjoy my summer, though stress is inevitable and relentless. i go swimming a lot of the time, or try and hang out with my friends, and i enjoy every moment spent outside. i am, however, allergic to the sun! i've been such a shut-in that my skin has developed an intolerance to the sun, and i just break out in a rash when exposed to the sun's rays... i live in 100+ degree weather! i have got to figure something out... maybe more exposure? who knows! i think this is all i care to write about now, i'll go write some more in my journal instead :)
4.14.24
well, since last updating, my life's been very rough! i'm managing though as best as i can, especially in regard to school. i don't want to get super duper personal here or anything but my mom passed away very recently, so things have been pretty hard. on top of this, it's nearing the end of this school semester which means i need to start focusing even more, but it's very hard when i have something like this on my mind. i feel like doing nothing but wasting my time, rotting my brain, etcetera etcetera... but i can't, cause i know my mom always wanted me to do well in school no matter what. so i think flunking when i'm doing so well already would just be a huge disservice to her, so i won't do that! it is hard though... even if the work itself is easy, my brain wants to just go on vacation and run away from everything. ehhh, i won't be lazy though.
i know last time i updated i wanted to start coding on here again, which was true! but i think i should focus on actually passing my classes first, then worrying about having fun and stuff. okay, in some not-so-depressing news, i watched the fallout series on prime! well, backstory here is, despite knowing little to nothing about fallout as a game, the lead actress, ella purnell, was in yellowjackets (current obsession) and played my fav character so i thought i'd give it a try! i actually liked it, mostly for the action though if i'm being honest. lucy as a character is very cute! i do think there's some pacing issues and i really only cared about two characters thus far, cooper and lucy, but i didn't think it was terrible! i have the chance to play both fallout 4 and fallout 76, so in true newgen fashion, maybe i'll jump on those games finally.
that's about all i can think about sharing here, i think i'm honestly gonna bring back my rambling page again, since i used to update so much there. it's easier to use that than to dump my thoughts on like, twitter, or something. until next time!
3.23.24
since spring break is finally here for me, i figured it's time to dust off the website and update for once!! i've been missing updating this site, and i think i have some projects i want to work on for my site again :P i definitely want to update my art log, since i've made a tonnn of art since i last updated.. i'll spare the usual "haven't been here cause of life" spiel but i really do miss updating here regularly :( short update but, hopefully this weekend i can finally get back into the swing of things!
1.27.24
first blog post for the new year! wow, i have not been here in awhile. in all honesty, i have been spending my time drawing, scrolling around on twitter and dealing with college. i'm doing exceptionally well for my first year back at college, and i'm finally starting to ease into education again! it feels good to pull good grades, makes me feel like i'm doing something with my time that isn't just art related. outside of that, my life is relatively the same from when i last updated, as per usual. i don't update here very often because there really isn't much to document in my life. that sounds pretty sad but, alas, it is the truth.
to circle back on art, though, i've finally found my passion for it reignited. i've drawn so much in the past three months, working away at idea after idea and even with school starting up again, i still have so much creativity within me. i mentioned this to someone before, i think, but art is sort of like the only thing that keeps me company outside of the rare occassions that i hang out with a friend. so, when i find myself in an art block or a struggle period, i really beat myself up over it and feel terrible because creating is really all i want to do. even without the sharing aspect of it, i enjoy making self indulgent pieces of art that only mean anything to me! anyways, what i mean to say is that i'm just incredibly grateful my passion has been so consistent these past couple of months, and i think i've finally found myself in a stable enough place in my art where i can only keep improving from here on out.
there's not much else for me to share, but i do want to remind myself here that i want to start updating my review page again. no more witty, one-liner, stupid letterbox'd reviews from me! i need to actually capture my thoughts and emotions about the media i consume and reflect on it, otherwise i'm just taking in media like a mindless robot. i also think it will help me for processing things for school, like required readings that bore me endlessly.
if anyone reads this, i hope you are having a good new year! i hope this one is better for me :).