wow i have not updated this in awhile! i totally skipped my birthday month! i am officially 21 now, so that's pretty cool :) my birthday came and went, but i did see the new saw which is arguably the best present i could get. if you know me, you know that series is my favorite horror franchise so i had a blast! my life is still as stressful, if not moreso, than the last time i updated so honestly, this website was sort of just collecting dust in my mind. but i think it's awesome that there's really no pressure to update this thing, there's no real reason to update unless i want to, and if not, it will still be here for others to look at or perhaps not look at. i've been spiralling mentally and i feel very out of place and very high strung, very neurotic, but i perservere because what else is there for me to do?
while i was missing in action, i recently finished reading yet another shirley jackson book, hangsaman, which i absolutely loved. i don't know if i have mentioned it here at all, but shirley jackson has completely overtaken my entire mind and soul, and all i can do is read her work and feel like she was writing stories about me. sort of like when you think the television or the radio is talking directly to you because it's eerily hitting too close to home at just the right time. i really wanted to put up a review of hangsaman in my review section but i just never got around to it. maybe i'll try and recollect my thoughts and write up something silly just because i really loved it. i've now moved onto the birds nest, and it's good, but i haven't had much time to catch up on reading it. i've always had a soft spot in my heart for female authors who perfectly capture the experience and horror of loneliness, like virginia woolf or even qiu miaojin, but shirley jackson has to be my favorite author currently. even just learning more about who she was in her own life is so interesting to me, and i think from now on, if i am ever asked that question of who i'd like one chance to talk to, dead or alive, it'd be her. i could talk about her and her work for hours, seriously, and i think i've annoyed everyone around me for constantly relating anything back to her. weirdly enough, there is an overlap between shirley jackson and yellowjackets in the fan space, which i thought was such a strange coincidence. what are the chances that my favorite author is somehow eerily relevant to the plot of yellowjackets, my current other obsession?? i won't spoil but i think it's pretty cool that there's people making web weavings between the two, like connecting certain characters from jackson's novels to characters in the show. my favorite has to be the comparison between shauna and merricat, like i see it so well... speaking of merricat, i recently reignited my love for we have always lived in the castle, and i really want to reread it as soon as possible. i seriously need to hurry and finish the bird's nest!
i think i've ran out of things to talk about, so i'll leave it here. until next time :P !
9.22.23
silly entry today, but i have to release all my fangirl emotions or i'll explode!!! i recently started watching yellowjackets with my friends (hi minis if you ever see this), but oh mein gott!!!!!! i already knew this show was basically created in a laboratory somewhere specifically designed for me but i'm so invested i don't care! we're only on episode 5 or so but if you were wondering, i love laura lee more than anything in the whole entire world right now.. if you ask my friends, it's probably painful to watch with me because i can't go more than 5 minutes without squeeing and nosebleeding... my life is exponentially better whenever i'm obsessed with something, i need to consume media or i'll wither away and die. what is the purpose of life if not to fangirl... i've said it once before but i'm a firm believer that subtext is a million times better than anything that could be made canon.. it's about the yearning, it's about the borderline.. you wouldn't get it!!! i don't want to see my favorite characters in a coffee shop, no angst au, where is the suffering!!! we haven't gotten to the cannibalism yet, but i'm waiting patiently.
speaking of cannibalism, i was drawing some comparisons to hannibal when watching. i'm on the final season of hannibal by the way, but whenever i get close to finishing something i get nervous and put it off because if i pretend it's not over it can last forever (very bad habit). i love that show, it's sometimes so off the wall crazy you have to wonder what the writers were plotting..
and last thing, the new saw is going to come out very soon and i'm so excited i could throw up. i won't get superstitious and delusional here but.. i made so many jokes prior to the announcement of saw x that there was still a way we could bring back amanda young to the storyline and my prayers were answered. i think the saw fandom has me to thank, you're all welcome! this is one movie i absolutely cannot miss seeing in theatres, i tried to negotiate seeing it with my sister but our plans fall through so often, like everyone else... if i had to, i guess i'd try to make it the first movie watched alone in theatres, but it's so daunting to me. dark space, all alone, surrounded by random people... very unnerving if you have my level of paranoid anxiety. oh well, i think this movie's worth the suffering LOL.
9.8.23
hmmmmm... i should be working on homework right now but i felt like writing something here to destress, if you will. my life's been such a mess these past two weeks! i'd be shocked if i make it out of this month unscathed healthwise, or without 5 new gray hairs. i debate on whether to talk about certain aspects of my life because i don't want to use this place as a diary, despite the purpose of a blog typically LOL. what i mean is, i'd like to not sully the atmosphere of my website with the more depressing, gloomier parts of my life, mostly because it's incredibly embarrassing for me to look back on later, like remembering the night you had prior to a hangover (or something like that). but i also think an online diary is somehow better than a physical one because i don't have to worry about anyone stumbling upon it and reading it (i don't live alone). anyways, i've been incredibly stressed because for the past year, or perhaps even two, i've been taking care of my ill mother. AKA i'm basically eleanor vance, the book version btw. this past week it's been the worst it's ever been, in terms of stress. the antibiotic she is taking makes her delirious, irritable, and restless, a terrible mixture for how bad my mother's temper can get. i've been berated, chastised, cursed out and basically bullied, and i'm still on the fence on whether or not it really is the antibiotic. on top of all that, i still have school to manage, and despite it only being two classes, it feels more like the weight of the world is on top of me. there have been numerous times i've wanted nothing more than to just pack a backpack and hightail it out of here, walk off into the sunset and pretend this life of mine isn't really my own. i get to step two of that plan before remembering how dangerous the world can be, and i run back home with my tail between my legs. to top this off, i'm the only one in my family who's helped, mostly because i'm the baby of the family and all my siblings have established a life for themselves prior to this recent decline in my mother's health, leaving me to become the main caretaker.
i didn't mind, and i didn't deny my role because i love my mother, as much as we fight, because she's my mother. what girl doesn't love her mother, in some way... unfortunately, it's been getting more and more suffocating, and it feels like her health rides on me. she's incredibly stubborn, so it's like taking care of a newborn baby, making sure they don't walk into traffic, touch a hot stove or accidentally swallow a coin, except she knows the dangers of all of these things. maybe i sound entitled, or ungrateful, this is the woman that took care of me for my whole life, i should take on this responsibility with no issue! except i only feel misery and stress because i don't feel confident enough that i can do anything for her, and i'm doing it all alone. an annoying side note, my siblings and other family members constantly ask me why i have no job yet, why i don't go out and find something for myself, all while they sit in their stable jobs that they've had years before my mother got sick. i have no time, i've run out of it now. i barely feel comfortable at school, i'm constantly assumed of my family that i'll be her protector, her helper, i will always be home. i have nowhere to run now, but i guess i can't complain, really. i'm almost a neet again, and i have a home, but i constantly fear for when i am older, and have no plan. no direction, no experience, living as a 25+ year old shut in! i think the issue here is that i've had no time to grow up, i think i'll forever feel like a child. oh, the curse of being the baby!
i don't care if this entry embarrasses me in the future, i think it will be beneficial to audi of the future. maybe she'll have it all figured out, maybe she'll be even worse off. maybe nothing has changed by then... i hope it gets better.
8.31.23
i just noticed i missed my website's anniversary?!?!?! wow happy one year i guess... its so weird it feels like i made it this year for some reason. i also found pictures of the first draft i had of the website, check it out! fun fact, the first draft of this website was made from some template i found on le interwebs and its also what inspired me to redo my entire website's layouts somewhere along the way because i felt like it was merely just a crutch till i learned more about html and css.
the website sure has come a looooong way. i wonder if anyone here remembers what the website used to look like, my old home page was quite an eye sore to me. also, my navigation was so messy and i still had no idea what was wrong with it! i wish i had backed up the website before changing it, i know, rookie mistake, but screenshots were enough memory for me. i will have to scavenge my phone to see what i can find. i do have most of the pages still in my site, just not anywhere that can be found unless you knew the url and whatnot, just in case i wanted to keep them for memory. well this will be a short entry, happy birthday nalfae! i'm seriously so glad i decided to join this place :)
update: i found a snapshot of the website on the wayback machine?!?!?! unsure how this could be, thank you to whoever or whatever did that for me. here it is if anyone wants to take a gander at how messy the home page was back then! click here!
8.25.23
hello all! i just finished one of my homework assignments for my history class, and the prompt stumped me for the entire day! after rephrasing it a couple times, i finally was able to assume what my professor expected an answer to be, and finished le two pages. woohoo! school is going quite well for me so far, i know that it's only been two weeks down, but i'm still standing! taking an online class this semester has granted me the knowledge to never take one again, if i can help it. so much work to be done since it's purely online, when the workload would have greatly decreased had i taken it in person. it's not really the work that's hard, english comes relatively easy to me, but it's the sheer amount of it paired with the focus on group work that really gets me. i've mentioned this before here, but something fascinating i always notice when it comes to online learning is that everyone tries less, and is somehow less open to teamwork than in face-to-face environments. so many people resort to radio silence, beating around the bush and avoiding working with other people to get assignments done, and it always baffles me. i hate group work, solely because i'm an awkward person, but i always grin and bear it because i'd rather just get the work done to move on! some people have this weird assumption in their head that group work equates to some form of friendship courting, like you have to like the person you are working with to get something done. do we have to like each other to answer a few measly questions, or work on a powerpoint that will get us a few grade points? some people find it embarrassing, or below them, like they couldn't care less about what's done. why are these people here if they consistently waste everyone's time!!!??? that's why i have such an aversion to group work, the long list of bad experiences where people refuse to work as a team, for whatever reason. i used to think my social anxiety was bad, that i was forever broken and i'd never operate normally again. i couldn't be more wrong, if anything, college has reminded me that it's rather easy to talk. now i'm the one scoffing at everyone else!
well in other news that isn't school related, i'm currently reading "the haunting of hill house." after enjoying "we have always lived in the castle" so much, i knew i had to pick up another shirley jackson work. i'm already half way through it, it's very unfortunate how short her books are, but it's very good so far! jackson has such a talent for writing about the macabre, while sprinkling in supernatural elements here and there. i actually have zero idea about anything surrounding this book, which is shocking since the netflix adaptation took off so well. no spoilers were seen by me, no plot points revealed, thankfully! i honestly am unsure if i even want to watch the adaptation after reading this, i never even entertained the idea of watching the adaptation of "we have always lived in the castle". there's something about her work that prevents me from wanting it to be ruined by a visual adaptation, though i don't think i'd be opposed to watching the other hollywood adaptations, both the 1963 and the 1999 versions! i think i'm just a hater of modern revivals no matter how good they are, annoyingly so. at my core, i am a boomer averse to the concept of change and new versions. if it ain't broke, don't fix it, or something like that.
i also watched "no country for old men" today, and i'm too lazy to write a proper review on here so sorry if you like reading those. my dad used to love the movie, and my sister loves to tell the story of how she would have nightmares when she was a little kid about anton coming to get her. i think i enjoyed it, though i don't think i'm used to movies that end ambiguously with no real "end". i was so used to the start, end, and finish with a proper finality and closing to the story, so this one caught me off guard with the ending. i sat there feeling like patchy the pirate when he watched the lost episode of spongebob, "that's it?", but after sitting down and digesting it, i really did like it. a lot of people found the ending really moving and perfect, specifically sheriff bell's monologue, and for the life of me i was having such a hard time seeing what they saw. i was embarrassed, wondering if i was just a simpleton that is entertained by superhero franchises and animated family movies (which i enjoy from time to time), but after looking more into the ending, i get it now. the coldness of the final line being, "and then i woke up", after he relays the dream he had about his father being there with him in the cold, the light in the dark. well, i'm not the best at analyzing movies and their meanings/intentions, but what i can attest to is how awesome the movie was. i even got jumpscared by the car crash scene, so plus one for that! i love any movie that has a cast full of southern accents and settings, what is typically labeled as southern gothic. i love the sweltering heat and the small town life, it really just reminds me of my own town. it's also why i loved watching the florida project, it really did it's job well at capturing the experience of growing up in a lower income family, as well as how nostalgic the setting felt, despite never having lived in florida.
that's all i can manage to write now, this was a pretty long entry! i hope i can find more time to focus on this website, i really do feel like i've left my poor creation to sit on a shelf and collect dust while i occassionally look at it and remember the good times...
8.15.23
i actually have something going on within my life exciting enough to write about on here... i officially had my first day of college (on campus) yesterday, and it actually wasn't horrible! i was so anxious the night before that i woke up at least 4 different times, and each time i fell back asleep i had different dreams about how my first day would go. in one dream, i remember showing up and everyone in the class was someone i knew in highschool. in another, it somehow got attached to the glee universe, so my classmates were glee characters. so strange... but my first day wasn't like how i imagined it would end up going, with me getting lost, not finding my class, having to ask around for help, possibly end up late. ironically, my classroom was literally the second door in the hallway, so i was worried for nothing. who knew! i imagined that my anxiety would be wracking my body, shaking and fidgeting uncontrollably, but on the ride there i actually wasn't as nervous as i expected. my anxiety definitely has gotten worse over time, but i was actually able to fake it till i made it, so a victory!
first days are boring so there's not much to talk about it, i think i was just in awe that i actually showed up and was able to talk. of course, i thought i sounded like an idiot at times and overthought a lot, but i think with time, it'll become second nature. well, i'm hoping for that, anyhow. i have one more day this week to show up, and then i'm free for the rest of the weekend, hoorah!! i have an english class online, no zoom calls, so i think it'll be a cake walk. i decided to take that one online because i find english a much easier subject to follow along, in contrast with something like math or history. i thought more about all my anxieties and really tried to break them down, and i realize my anxiety mostly comes from negative experiences with other people, till i realized i don't have to know these people or make connections with them. i don't have to be liked by them, or even really understood by them. i have to just do my work, endure the awkwardness of interactions, and move on. everyone in these classes is only there to pass, so i imagine it won't be as grueling as i expect it to be. i'll consider this my first step into actually growing up, doing the hard stuff and realizing it'll pass as quickly as it came.
in other, less crazy news, i've started drawing a lot more these past two weeks. i had a dream about a girl, one that struck something within me so much that i created an entire character for her, a universe and a much more developed personality. in a way, it was like being gifted an oc, and she's one i actually have invested a lot of thought into. and since my dream did all the imagining for me, designing her was already done for me. if only i could channel all that creativity when i'm awake -_-.
i feel so relieved that i'm actually doing something in life. being idle is absolutely horrible for my brain, as my anxiety really takes over in the quietest, most bored, moments of my life. with this, now my worries are frivolous and silly, like worrying about a test or a group project, and not dark, depressing stuff. what a relief!!!!
7.17.23
wow, it's been a minute! while slightly unbelievable, i actually haven't been on much to update my site because i haven't touched my laptop since i last updated it, which was 3 weeks ago! i'm a total ipad baby, so i've just been neglecting my laptop. i think that changes soon because i'd like to get into working on the website again, maybe add some pages or even rework some themes. i'm only here to talk about that much, really, because there's still not much to update about my life. all i know is that this summer is indeed hot as hell, and even moving is sometimes too much. these summers are definitely not kind but i sort of brainwashed myself into relaxing into the heat, romanticizing the summer boredom and time wasting so as not to lose my mind. it's working, i think. this will be a veryyy short entry, but once i start school again in the fall i bet i'll have much to rant and rave about :P. see yaaaaa!
4.5.23
i am back from my adventure! well, i came back a couple days ago, but as soon as i was home i was thrust back into regular old life, so not much time available for me to peruse on the interwebs. i had an absolute blast though, probably the most fun i've had yet! firstly, cambria is a beautiful seaside town, and getting to walk around a town that's literally one entire street was an experience in itself. i'm not lying either, you drive through one singular street and that's the entire town. it's sort of a retirement town, the types where older folk choose to move out to, so most of the stores closed pretty early our first night there. the second day however, i got to roam around the town and it's such a quaint little spot, i really wish i could call that place home. expensive though, but that's to be expected... that wasn't all my trip was for though, cause i also got to visit morro bay! if you know me, you know just how much i absolutely adore the beach, the ocean, water in general. it's why i loved port angeles so much, and washington in general because of how scenic and beautiful the atmosphere is up there. i bet actual residents would beg to differ after the initial impressions wear off, but i digress!
while yes, the ocean and the beach are absolutely my favorite places to visit and experience, i was offered an even better experience, one that would change my life forever... i got to see real life seals, in the flesh!!!! i wish i could convey just how much it meant to me to be able to see such creatures in real life, especially up so close! we went to san simeon, which has a sightseeing spot dedicated to watching the seals all lined up on the beach sunbathing!! i squee at quite literally anything, getting ecstatic at seagulls and hawks the whole time i was away, so being able to bear witness to seals and sea lions is an experience unlike any other. i took plenty of pictures, so i'll put those in my photo log whenever i feel up to it, but seals are such adorable little animals.. i wished more than anything to be able to touch one, but obviously, watching from safety is valuable enough for me. i also ventured around morro bay, really pretty place, and much bigger than i expected. while there, i saw the cutest little otter floating by the docks for kayak boats, and i also have a picture of that little creature. oh, to be a sea otter floating in the ocean... i also saw an actual live starfish, which was sort of jarring. they're much bigger in person, and i'm used to seeing them all dried out or as nothing more than a decoration. while i was there, i really tried not to focus so much on capturing moments or frantically getting ready to take a picture or update on something at every minute. while i love taking pictures, i really wanted to actually live in the moment rather than thinking about what to take a picture of next. ironically, the camcorder really helped out with this because it really ensures you capture anything while still being able to live in the moment, if that makes sense. why worry about grabbing a picture when i can just hit record and look away from a screen to just watch the world around me?
overall, really fun little adventure, i wish i had been able to stay just a bit longer, but i truly think i did not miss out whatsoever during my trip. unfortunately, coming back home from a trip always sucks because you realize just how much sweet treats and meals you enjoyed while over there, and now must return to the boring life of dieting and calorie counting... quite sad. well now that that's all over, i'll have to start preparing for college soon, i think it's time for some reintegration into society. will update again when i actually have something exciting going on in this little life of mine.
3.29.23
this will be a quick entry because i'm on a time limit but guess who's getting ready for another adventure! this girl!! i'm going to head over to the coast this weekend, very very exciting... i also did a little bit of some reckless spending and bought myself a camcorder! my obsession with old technology never ends, but i ended up just buying a fairly cheap one off amazon. i really did want to get a nice sony camcorder off ebay or something but i wanted to make sure i'd have this camcorder by the time i left for my trip :( besides, most of the listings for old camcorders have something missing, whether it's a charger or a battery and i do not have the time nor the budget to worry over getting all the necessary parts. big bummer because i really do want a piece of actual old technology. recently, my aunt cleaned out her shed and she was preparing to throw away an old landline phone, but for some reason i could not let her part with it. i know landlines are practically useless now and i don't even have a place for it, but i was so in love with the design and feel of it that i just had to take it home. i'm truly at risk of becoming a hoarder one day, i can never part with stuff i don't even need. i get it from my mom :P.
i'm very grateful i get to experience road trips, hotels and general tourism because growing up, i would never even leave town! my idea of a vacation when i was little was getting a free night at a hotel in my own town.. so it's pretty awesome that i get to explore and galavant now. will update the blog when i get back, if safe travels are in store for me! or if i even remember to update LOL.
3.11.23
i have not updated the site in so long, and everytime i miss doing so. everytime i find myself on a major social media platform, i get excited remembering i could easily just go to my own website and talk about anything under the sun and not know if anyone's even read it or not, which is pretty comforting. i think there's something fun about the idea of blogging, and maybe sometimes i treat it more as my own personal diary, but it's still good to know that one day in the near or far future, i may be able to look back at this site and it's entries and remember all the adventures and thoughts i talked about on here. i think neocities and coding in general has motivated me to entertain the idea of pursuing some sort of education around technology. while i know html is quite literally the bare minimum of coding and website development now, it's helped me realize that with enough learning and practice, it's not impossible for me to learn it. i don't think i'd have ever believed i could learn anything around code or web designing, i took one class in highschool but it was all done with wix, so having this site is quite motivating for me.
on the topic of school, i actually think i'm ready to go back, preferably this summer. these past years i took off i realized that the least i could do right now is pursue some sort of education, to feel like i'm not just wasting away my time. i miss learning and writing essays, but i have an inkling that i'll regret ever saying those words when i'm in the middle of the semester up to my neck in assignments. the only anxiety i have about the whole thing, aside from actually going through with it, is the socializing aspect. before i come off as a total recluse, i'm only fearful that i'll have more of a negative experience when it come's to classmates than what i initially hoped for. during my first semester, though it was all online work, i rememeber how little anyone actually wanted to participate, and even if i tried to take initiative and lead a conversation, i'd be met with radio silence. nobody wanted to actually try, leaving me to speak up for everyone else most of the time, which was strange to me. i fully understand that not everyone is going to like me or whatever, but i absolutely despise a person who isn't willing to actually be cordial enough just for the sake of a project or an assignment. i guess what i'm trying to say is that i'm only scared of a hypothetical but entirely probable situation where i'm forced to interact with someone stuck-up and i'll have to just grin and bear it. such is the life of a college student!
2.22.23
first entry of the new year! i know it's a little late, but i haven't really had much to update the blog with to be honest. until now! i feel like i get the motivation to work on the website whenever i'm sick, because surprise, i'm sick again! i feel like my immune system has been taking hit after hit these last few months, i should really start taking better care of my health with vitamins and what have you. apparently a stomach bug is going around, and it's really not fun... it's only those 24 hour viruses but it's practically incapacitated me and totally wrecked my gut health, so it's a strict soup diet for the rest of the coming days, i presume.
but being sick isn't what i wanted to talk about mainly for this entry. i'm currently planning for a vacational trip soon, very exciting! i've mentioned it before but i really never have the chance to go out and take adventures like this because of both time and money, so i'm really looking forward to getting out before the summer eventually hits. the only downside is it's supposed to rain in my town the day i leave, i wish i wasn't going to miss it. i just really hope i'm not still weak in the stomach by the time i have to leave, is traveling really that fun if you can't enjoy all the delicacies outside of your area? it's why i'm a little apprehensive on leaving, i'm a bit worried i'll somehow jump the gun, eat something, and totally ruin not just mine but my families experience by being overridden with sickness. i tried eating normally yesterday, feeling i was well enough, only for it all to culminate into this horrible and visceral experience of nausea and stomach pain. definitely not fun, so i hope it goes away as soon as possible.
since it's the new year, my goal for this one is to get more creative work done! i've actually been doing exceptionally well with that one already, i've even been working on my own original characters! i think all my practice and dedication has led me to feel comfortable enough to explore character designing, rather than just fan art or redraws. my other goal was to get back on track with my fitness journey, though now that i'm sick oncemore, i'm practically already starting that one. i can barely eat anything, so i'm not sure whether to celebrate it or not... last goal, read more! i read around 11 books or so last year, which isn't crazy, but it's a great start for me. if you ever have any recommendations or ideas, please let me know. i think i should make an email dedicated to this site, though i don't think it'd be of that much use. seems like a good idea, though!