12.24.22 it's christmas eve! i can't believe it's been two weeks since i last updated this thing, i've been sort of swept up with responsibilities and i haven't touched my laptop since i last updated this. since my last update i've been doing much better, though there's not really much to update the blog with, i just felt like writing an entry for christmas eve. i think i am getting a kindle for christmas which would be really fun because while i love physical books, my county's library system rarely has the books i've been really dying to read. speaking of, i'm currently reading breasts and eggs by mieko kawakami and i'm really loving it so far! i started it about a month ago and even though it's taking me awhile to find time to read, i think the main premise of the story is really interesting and something i've never really thought of much. anyways, now that i've come back to neocities, i miss my passion for coding. i did think of making a whole brand new website earlier this week though i'm not sure what i'd make it about, my site now works so well for me as is. i have been drawing more though and actually loving what i've been making which is always a win in my book! i'll update my art log soon, probably as soon as i finish writing this. my goal for next year is to try dedicating at least 10 minutes a day to drawing, it doesn't even have to be good, just something to help me practice more because i have so many things i want to achieve.

since i love to share all my miscellaneous illnesses and ailments here with you all, i have noticed something recently that might explain my health this past month. earlier, i was experiencing bouts of dizziness, tension headaches every day, and really weird sleep habits. i chalked it up to eye strain and stress, but after doing le daily scrolling on the interwebs, i discovered that all those symptoms i was experiencing are really common with vitamin d deficiency! not a shocker at all to me seeing as i'm a recluse and i take any chance i can get to stay inside. moreover, it gets seriously cloudy here during the winter, so sunlight is extremely scarce. i still prefer this time of the year in comparison to how nasty our summers can get, so i'm cherishing the cold while i still have it. anyways, i hope the holidays are well for anyone reading this, and if they aren't, i hope the new year will bring new blessings! my one piece of advice is to make hot chocolate at least once before the holidays end, it really soothes the soul.

11.21.22 what's a more telling sign that winter is here than getting the shit knocked out of you by a mystery illness? i've been wiped off the face of the earth because as soon as i updated my websites on friday and put my sleepy little head to rest, i woke up to the harshest fever and chills that made me shake all over because i was both freezing and hot at the same time. shortly after that, along with those symptoms came nausea, a terrible headache, even higher temperatures and a severely raw throat to boot! the worst illness i think i've ever felt was the stomach flu by far because it's so uncontrollable and vicious, but this one is a very close runner-up because it knocked me down really hard. thanks to my strong metabolism, i was able to conquer the fever by the end of day 2, and now onto day 3 i am feeling much better! my throat is still incredibly in pain, but after a very long doctor's visit, i was able to find out it wasn't strep, just a pretty nasty throat infection so with some medication i hope to be okay by tomorrow. did literally nothing else but do my annual sick-in-bed tradition of rewatching glee (yeah, i know) and rolling around in hopes i'll pass out enough times to time travel to a point when i'm not so sick. i have a pretty bad string of luck these last few weeks now that i look through some of my recent entries, but i'm actually holding up pretty well, mentally-wise. i think the worst part of my throat being so painful was that i wasn't able to eat at all for the entire duration of this sickness, so i'm incredibly fatigued and so much more prone to bouts of anxiety. when i was trying to fall asleep last night, it felt like the inside of my head was burning up, a really nasty sensation that i've never found common before in my anxiety attacks, but i think it could also be due to the fact i was already incredibly sleep-deprived. anyways, gonna go take a covid test just in case, though i don't think that's my problem (i hope not, anyway).
11.2.22 it's november!! the weather here is nice for once!! i'm actually cold and able to bundle up under the covers :) i have a lot of strange stories to share here, this week was quite rough for me to be completely honest. i guess i'll start off with my totally horrific first-time experience with edible thc, how cliche right? i honestly hate the idea of talking about it with anyone because i find it both embarrassing and very cringeworthy, i think i'd much rather prefer to be the supposed prude who has no fun than the girl who doesn't know her limits. a couple days ago i decided to finally try these edible candies my mom had bought awhile ago, and with that little rebellious voice in my head egging me on, i caved and decided it couldn't be that bad to try, right? i've smoked before, i didn't care much for it and i also have asthma so i decided that was out of my life forever, i like a drink here and there but i also have sometimes crippling health anxiety that prevents me from indulging in a bad thing too much, and i've even had chocolate that was infused with THC before! so i had expected my experience to be mundane at best, possibly not even feeling any sort of high and just expecting to take a nice nap, but i was terribly wrong. it does take awhile to kick in, i had already known that, and the candy i had was only 10mg of THC. i had gotten up from my bed and did random chores, feeling completely unaffected right up until i had finished and came back to my room to sit down. as soon as i did, i felt it all hit. previously i had never felt an actual high from anything, i had just assumed my tolerance was high and i was completely okay with that, i really do not view myself as someone who really enjoys doing substances. at first, i was actually excited, immediately telling my friends that i finally knew what the feeling was that everyone else talks about so much! unfortunately it did not take long for my very neurotic brain to swoop in and take away the very brief moment of glee. looking back now i know how stupid of a decision it was to even try it and i still regret it, but i also have a weak sense of self-control. when doing research, i found out THC can affect your blood sugar which leads to a fast heartbeat and all sorts of other ailments, and that's exactly what caused my sudden panic. after my heart began to race, i was completely lost to my anxiety, every single panic attack i've ever experienced in my life could not compare to what i experienced while high. it's funny to think and write about now, but in the moment it was the scariest experience of my life, even though i knew i wasn't going to die. i couldn't get ahold of myself whatsoever, and it also sparked some entirely new symptoms for my anxiety attacks, like muscle spasms. prior to this, my panic attacks basically consisted of a fast heart rate, shaking like a leaf and some stomach complications, so these new muscle spasms definitely freaked me out even more. i was vomiting, shaking so hard i couldn't even type on my screen to find out if it was a normal experience, and no amount of distractions or breathing exercises could help me get out of the headspace i was in. laying down made it worse, the feeling of being high was almost miserable to me, it felt like my brain was submerged in the ocean or being suffocated with pillows, so sleep was completely out of the equation. it lasted around 2 hours (which felt more like 4) before i was able to calm myself enough to fall asleep watching one of my favorite shows, derry girls. when i had woken up, my condition was definitely better, but i physically felt weak. even after sleeping most of it off, i couldn't shake the feeling of anxious thoughts, and i forced myself to think about how this would all pass over in a day. ever since this experience, my panic attacks have been both worsened and have become more frequent. the muscle spasms are now a regular occurence, and 2 days ago i had woken up from a dead sleep and convinced myself i was going/was having a seizure due to my shakiness and blurred vision (i was tired... i know how silly it all sounds now). all in all i think it was a lesson well learned!

stuff like that just isn't for me, i had already known that, but i'd rather have endured that experience in the comfort of my own home and not stuck with someone pressuring me into it, if that'd ever happen. another factor to my sudden anxiety issues (besides my neuroticism) is my struggle with acid reflux/possible GERD. apparently it can either cause or be caused by anxiety, and this entire week i've been experienced a really bad flareup of acid reflux, so that's helpful information to know. the experience is extremely embarrassing, and i know people who are probably seasoned with this type of thing probably think i'm a total weenie, but i really wish i had never gone through with it. oh, how life would be now... anyways i'm starting to take the whole acid situation more seriously with diet changes and PPI's, and i can already feel the results so i think i can be somewhat stress-free for another week or so. i hope to actually work on the website some more, i've been slowly getting back into coding again and i really want to make this website something i can be proud of!

10.25.22 it's been awhile since i checked neocities, i kinda got swept up with the outside world and lost most of the passion i had for the website. the domo shrine was my last burst of creativity before i fizzled out and felt like taking a break from coding. i constantly get really obsessed with something just to not care for it once i've sucked all the happiness i can get out of it, but it comes back eventually if it's something i really enjoy! i miss updating my website, i really want to try revamping some stuff, like my blog, to make it more decorative.

i've just been playing splatoon 3 and overwatch 2, i think i'll nerd ramble about my experiences with them both because they're somewhat similar. with splatoon 3, i did not expect the learning curve to be as massive as it was. i had a relatively decent time in splatoon 2, i wouldn't find myself struggling to get out of loss streaks in any mode i played in, and even if my team wasn't the best, i felt like the matchmaking was good! that was not at all how splatoon 3 went. my first time messing around with it, i went on a 20 game loss streak in TURF WAR. i sucked bad and i was using the same weapon i used in splatoon 2, my trusty bloblobber... i was frantically searching around to see if anyone else was experiencing the same things i was or if i was just really shit at the game. i think it was a mix of both because i did much better my second or third day around with it and now i find it's fun again since i'm not losing every single game i'm in. i realized though that my aggresive attitude i used to wield so well in the previous game is not applicable in this iteration because it would get me killed 8 times out of 10, but i had to realize there's new weapons, new gear and new maps. the maps are way smaller so it doesn't give you much room to pull out or retreat, but i love them regardless. my experience with my beloved salmon run was pretty much the same when i first tried it out, getting obliterated in the second round and just deciding maybe i should just focus on the story mode and come back later. by the way, the story mode is really fun so far! i'm not far into it, but i love it, i wish the octo expansion dlc had been free for splatoon 2 because i know i seriously missed out on it. now that i've finally gotten past most of the learning curve, i can't put the game down sometimes and i hope that this game flourishes for a long time. i think my final thoughts are though i have fun with this game, i still find the previous combat system a litttttle bit better and more rewarding. i love all the decoration and customization of splatoon 3 though so it instantly wins for that in my book.

now onto overwatch 2 (insert crowd booing noises). i used to be seriously obsessed with overwatch back when it was really popular, around 2015 i think? i won't get into all the stuff i liked or rather didn't like about the game, i had no serious qualms with it and thought it was a good game for the time being, till i just got bored of it and moved onto other things like everyone else. with the release of overwatch 2, i felt my love for the game come back as it did for everyone else, and so i decided i'd join in and download it. first experiences were not bad, but the more time i spent playing and watching others play, i realized how bad certain aspects are. i think a lot of the gripes i have with it are due to the fact the developers have gone and fixed things that were never broken in the first place, like the rank systems or even just the post game experiences! where did the MVP system go, why is the end of the game so short?? i rarely even play rank but watching other, much better and more serious people play made me realize how bad it is at the moment. and my biggest gripe of all is how stupid of a character moira is... i still don't get why there's a character who requires little to no skill in a first person shooter. why make her healing ability not autolock (like mercy) but allow her damage ability to just autolock onto you?? i know brigitte caused an entire storm when she was first announced, and people to this day hate her, but that's exactly how i still feel about moira!! regardless, the game is pretty much the same, i'll end up getting bored with it again and would rather just watch other people play, as the story usually goes. anyways zenyatta is still the best support character.

okay embarrassing nerd rant OVER, i'm gonna go work on other stuff around the website since i'm bored. if you read this, hiiiiiii <3.

10.9.22 helloo, i missed updating my website so i'll pop in for a little life update :) i recently started going to a public gym for the first time ever and i'm having a blast!! i used to be scared about people watching me while i work out because i felt sort of stupid, but after going you realize that literally no one cares and everyone is doing their own thing. it feels really good to start working out again, i really missed doing it and i've been going everyday since getting the trial membership. i go with my friend(s) and it's so much fun, and not once did i feel weird or awkward or anxious, i just did my own thing! i'm sore from trying out one of their tricep focused machines, but i love the feeling so much, i started noticing i stopped feeling sore from my home workouts which was a sign that my body had become used to the exercise and i was not getting anything too beneficial out of it. i really want to build more muscle, i think the harder part now is going back to restricting diet wise, but i've done it before so i know i can do it again :P i also tried the stairmaster for the first time, and that machine is no joke. i didn't think the hype surrounding it was that serious, but after 5 minutes of being on it, my BPM rocketed to 160 almost instantly! i used to hate doing cardio but i think the issue was moreso doing cardio at home, i find the gym is much easier for me to put in hours of cardio without growing tired or bored of it. today i'm going to try focusing more on full-body workouts and legs since my triceps are so sore -_-.
10.4.22 i am now 20 years old! i guess now i have to update my about me.. anyways, i had a really good birthday and i'm relieved it didn't play out like the previous ones. and thank you to all my mutuals (i need a better word) who gave me wishes, you are all awesome :) it was very quiet, aside from being with friends this week, but i actually enjoyed how normal it all was. i think when you're younger birthdays are always more fun and exciting but i still have that part of me that loves celebrating and having your own special day. i got my fair share of trinkets and goodies, but what i was really obsessed with was the cake i ended up picking out for the house. a strawberry shortcake ice-cream cake, and it was incredibly delicious. at first i was just going to back out and find something less dense because i'm a little too conscious of what i eat nowadays, but my brother told me "who cares, it's your birthday" and so i decided to get it anyway :) next year, i'll get a carrot cake!

lately i've been trying to practice being okay and at peace with being alone, trying to do things by myself that i usually would think needs to be done with someone else. one of my biggest tasks i want to accomplish this year is seeing a movie in the theatres by myself, which probably seems normal to a lot of people. i struggle with trying to go places by myself because i'm a bit of the paranoid type, and i feel more at risk being by myself in public spaces, but i know that some of these fears are really unfounded and that i'll be okay going to see a movie. so with this practice maybe next year i can plan to do some big birthday bash by myself, in an attempt to be much nicer to myself.

as of writing this, i'm struggling to find motivation to draw anything, despite the fact i want to draw. like i get all my stuff out and i have these cool ideas, but as soon as i'm finally ready, i suddenly don't know how to start. but i figured out that a better way to deal with this is to either sketch out really bad thumbnails to archive the idea for later, or i can simply just turn my ideas into writing! that way i'm both developing a story and also able to put it into visuals as well. i think i want to make a visual novel or something, but i'm unsure because i don't know if i'd be comfortable sharing it to anyone, but i'd like to make something just for my eyes and no one elses. i'm gonna go get started on that now!

9.28.22 it's almost october!! my birthday is now officially in 5 days, yipee! i haven't had the most exciting birthdays, my last one was horrible, but i'm hoping that this year is much different. i have nothing planned at the moment but hopefully i can force my family out of the house to just come to a dinner with me or something. not much to update in my life, i recently dropped my social accounts, and now feel like living like a total recluse.

some good news is that my new mp3 player came in yesterday and it is so cute, and not as cheap as my old one! it even has bluetooth, i probably won't use it, but that's so cool! it also can work as a pedometer, i love these things. i also have some cheap sony headphones coming in because i am not a fan of bluetooth headphones, but you're forced to get used to them since no one supplies headphone jacks anymore. i love collecting old tech, i hope i can recover some of my older phones that are lost somewhere in my house.

to circle back to the recluse thing, i oddly enjoy the feeling of being unreachable. there's probably a psychological reason behind it, but i just enjoy not being glued to my phone, checking my notifications, scrolling to update myself on what people are doing. it's not great since i sometimes miss texts and take ages to respond, but i oddly enjoy being hard to reach when i've spent years updating people constantly on what i'm doing in the moment. i want people to send me letters, i wish i had a pen pal.

anyways, i've finally pushed myself to start creative writing again, trying to really flesh out some of these original characters i've had stuck in my head for the past month or so. i'm not sure if i'd ever want to share them on here, i doubt anyone would care to read them, but maybe i'll do those creative writing warmups to help me get back into the groove of things. i think i'm gonna start working on my handwriting too, it's always been pretty bad, my a's and my u's look the same and my hand cramps because i never write anymore. i barely even draw traditionally, so i'm going to change that soon. this also gives me an excuse to blow money on stationary and books i'll probably end up never finishing.

oh, something weird happened to me this week. i think i now know the cause of it, but earlier this week i almost fainted? i've never in my life experienced something as scary as that, it felt like i was shutting off. my vision was almost completely black, and then my hearing started to sound extremely muffled. luckily my mom knows how to deal with that sort of thing, so i was able to not completely faint, but it was terrifying. i originally thought the culprit was a sip of a caffeinated energy drink i had only minutes prior, but i've never once been that sensitive to caffeine before. i used to drink gfuel which was 300mg! me and my brother think it was due to me being outside around 10 minutes before i fainted, and the fact i hadn't had any water that day. i'm still too scared to drink my energy drinks now but i'm craving one so bad... is it worth it?

9.13.22 quite possibly the craziest weekend/week of my life! firstly, i loved the beach so much and had the time of my life. it's extremely rare for me to ever venture outside my county since my family isn't exactly affluent enough to afford both the time and the money for things like road trips or vacations, the last time i ever did something like this was the summer i went to oregon and washington. anyways, the beach was so pretty, and i might include some pictures at the bottom of this entry that i took with my camera whenever i get the time, but it was so nice to get away for once! i wasn't able to fully go into the water but just being able to stand in the ocean and feel the waves was so exciting and i was so ecstatic. i spent so much money on souvenirs while i was visiting because i'm a major sucker when it comes to keepsakes and knickknacks, but i think it was worth every penny spent.

while the beach was a lot of fun, i was dreading the rest of my weekend. i'll keep it short since i don't think there's much to say about it, but i had both a memorial service and a funeral to attend, back to back. very emotionally draining, though i wasn't as affected as some of the other people in my family. i'm still tired from the whole experience, but today i get to do nothing but relax so i'm thankful for that! i can't wait for this month to be over, it's almost my favorite month of the entire year, october! totally not biased since it's my birthday month, but the weather is much cooler once september ends, so i need this month to wrap itself up quickly!!!

9.8.22 not much going on in my life at the moment, aside from reading and hanging out with family/friends, but i'm excited for the weekend for two reasons. one, heatwave in my area will finally pass over come saturday, and two, i'm going to the beach! i have only ever been to the beach once and it was a school band field trip that was not exactly fun for me since i was awkward and had no friends in the class, so i'm excited to be at the beach on my own time with people i'll actually have friends with. the only thing i have no idea about is what i should wear, my entire wardrobe consists of pants and i'm not really sure if i should try to buy some shorts or if i'll be okay with jeans. i'd like to buy an outfit but on such short notice i fear i won't be able to find anything good enough, i seriously have to upgrade my wardrobe. i still dress like i'm in high school...

on another note, i'm reading anna karenina now and i'm surprised i haven't been able to put it down because it definitely doesn't seem like the type of book i'd be interested in whatsoever. it's not bad, but some classics are harder for me to get into if it has a slower start. the size of it still scares me, but i think i can finish it before i run out of chances to renew it. i've barely made a dent in it, only 70 pages in out of around 800 pages, but i haven't found it boring so far so we shall see.

i've also finally started working on developing some original characters for myself, i have so many stories that i fantasize writing about, but my inability to actually put them on paper is so demoralizing. i haven't made much progress, but i'm still proud of what i've accomplished so far since i never take the time to flesh out any of my ideas out of fear it will suck (which is a very dumb line of thinking). the subject matter is definitely a lot darker than anything i've ever really worked on, but i've stopped caring about polishing certain aspects of my work, or trying to make it appealing to an audience when the art is supposed to be for me. it's super late now and i have to wake up early tomorrow so i think i'll end off here for the night :P .

9.2.22 second day of september and it's already gone downhill!!! september is such a bad month in my life. i don't want to make the blog post all sappy and sad so i'll just talk about the good things! i went to the library today and finally got some physical books again, i was getting sort of sick of digital reading. i'm not sure which one i want to start first, or if i should wait till i get a physical copy of the book i already started, "the fingersmith". i did find anna karenina by tolstoy and i decided to grab it because it's a book i hear get recommended frequently, however i did not know just how big of a book it is! either i don't finish it before i have to turn it back in, or i decide to keep checking it out till i do end up finishing it, but that depends on if i even end up liking it, so we'll see.

my major plan for this month is to finally get back into fitness after taking a necessary break for the sake of my mental health, but i find it impossible to exercise in hot weather. i miss doing my morning backyard walks, and i could still do those since it's typically really cool in the morning, but finding the motivation will be my biggest obstacle. i hate cardio!! i wish i could just focus more of my time on just the diet aspect, but my metabolism is so bad that i'd be miserable from excessive restriction, hence the whole reason i stopped my fitness habits. it's so hard to work on fitness without dipping into unhealthier habits, but it feels almost impossible when you learn more about calories and nutrients and all the other informational junk that causes you to feel bad when you do end up making mistakes. i'm trying my best to be proud of how far i've come, and think of how younger me would be so happy with the body i inhabit now.

to end the post, i think i'm about to recieve another cat due to some family matters, which is exciting! i honestly don't mind it at all, i'm just concerned as to how the current two that i have will take to the new member...

9.1.22 it's the first day of september! not excited about the heat this upcoming week, but i just think about how much more i'll cherish winter this year when it passes. i am so exhausted from hanging out with family today, i'm glad i got out of the house though. watching over younger kids make me realize just how exhausting children can be, it's like a form of melatonin. update on the whole "less screen-time" project, i feel myself slowly trying to dip back into checking timelines, reading headlines, looking at what's trending. it's much better than what i used to do, but i'm trying to discipline myself into not caring about what's updating or who's doing what. i hate how pretentious that all sounds, i genuinely just want to break off the attachment i have with all those platforms, especially twitter.

in other news, i can't stop thinking about creating certain characters/stories that i've had planned out for months now, but i'm too afraid to push myself to actually work on them. if i keep them locked up in my head, the vision will be perfect and i don't have to risk hating how it all turns out, but on the other hand, who cares!! i hate how much i care about creating things, just do what makes you happy, right?? if i'm not too tired tonight, i think i'll finally start making outlines and designs for said characters because i really want to make something of my own. maybe a comic? or just a story??? i'm not sure, i just want to draw right now.

8.30.22 first day attempting to decentralize social media/the internet from my life and it only makes me realize i'm very boring, but i know somewhere in the future i'll be envious of all this free time i had. i love technology but realize apps like twitter or even instagram can push me to just endlessly scroll. a very strange habit that i doubt most people have with social media is that i will just scroll down hundreds of people's profiles like rabbit holes, almost like seeing into random people's windows. definitely not the same but it's the only analogy i can think of so hopefully that makes sense. i hop from one profile to another, interested to see what some random person talks about and likes, which is definitely not normal. i have no idea why i do it either, internet addiction is probably a legitimate issue that people go through, but some would argue it's not exactly as harmful as other addictions. i just know that after spending half my childhood on social media, i feel like i've finally outgrown it, which i don't really understand. it's not exactly a sense of maturity like outgrowing media you loved obsessively when you were younger, it's more like i realize i just don't have much of a reason to use it. that sounded pretty gloomy, but i'm actually pretty happy with it! i don't want to be that person who's constantly bragging about how they don't use social media and that they're better than anyone who does, i just feel my attention span waning and i really don't want to let my brain turn to mush.

to spend my time elsewhere i finally finished reading "dark places" by gillian flynn in my "no-internet" offtime after putting it off for months and i'm so glad i finally decided to finish, a seriously great read! maybe i'll put a review for it, or at least some quick thoughts about it on my review section. i think i'll spend the rest of my day working on my website some more, fixing or adding to some layouts, and maybe adding an art section!

8.27.22 first blog of the website! i'm so happy with how far the website has come, and the writing section was what i anticipated most. it took a lot of trial and error, and a little frustration, to finally get a skeleton down of the website. the only thing left for me to do is work on cleaning up some things, adding more images/decoration, and maybe even make a shrine? i can't get too ahead of myself because i am at a beginner skill level, but i'm still excited to see where this website will take me. i just hope i don't end up abandoning this whole project, i really want this to help me write more and more. i think that's all i'll say for today, maybe i'll add more later, or end up working on the other unfinished pages :P.